WARNING: This is a completely chauvinistic view of why men are happier than women are. If you are a women, the language contained here may be offensive. It may contain content, which you are not familiar. It could change your thought process toward men or maybe enforce it. Be careful and remember, you have been warned.
Yes siree Bob, us men are a very happy lot. We are a very simple bunch. I mean, we get to keep them last names we received when we were born. The whole dang garage is our den and play room. If we are so inclined to get hitched, then all them boring wedding plans just magically take care of themselves. All we have to do is not get too dang drunk the night before and show up on time. Chocolate to us is just another piece of candy instead of an anti-depressant. We can be President, if we want and we never have to worry ‘bout them stretch marks for being pregnant. We can even wear an old, thin, white tee shirt to a water park, or heck, we can even wear no shirt at all, if we’ve a mind to. We don’t get lied to by someone workin’ on our cars and if we get the urge while driving, well, the whole world becomes our out-house. Oh, and when in town, we don’t ever have to drive to another gas station because the one you are at is “just too icky”. We never have to stop and ponder on which way to turn a nut with a wrench or ever say. “Lefty loosey, righty tighty”. Luckily, we can do the same work as you gals, but we get paid more for it. How ‘bout that one? Oh, and when we get wrinkles, we don’t spend a dime on magic creams or face lifts. No sir, because on us, “wrinkles add character.” Hey, it is what it is. I’m just the storyteller.
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| "MASTER OF HIS DOMAIN" |
Yeah, when we decide to tie the knot, a rented tux only sets us back a hundred bucks, but for you gals, them wedding dresses cost y’all thousands. Yep, you spend all that dough on a dress, which you only wear one dang time, then you stick it in storage where it turns color and rots. Oh, and not that we’d really mind, but folks don’t stare at our chests when they are talkin’ to us. We even can wear shoes that don’t cut, blister, or deform our feet and we pretty much stay in one mood all the time.
Men’s phone talks only last about thirty minutes and we can order fast food in five. We can open our own jars of pickles, jalapenos, peanut butter and jelly. We can take a whole dang week’s get away and only have to pack one suitcase. We get all kinds of points for even the tiniest bit of kindness and if someone forgets to invite us to something, we will still be friends with them. We buy our drawers or underwear for five ninety-nine a three pack and you will find three pairs of shoes in our closet. They consist of one black pair, one brown pair and either a pair of boots or tinny shoes. We do not ever have “strap” problems, at least not in public. We do not notice any wrinkles in our clothes and everything on our face remains the original color. We have a hairstyle that lasts for years and for some of us, even decades. Oh, and get this, we only have to shave our face and neck.
One belt, for about fifteen bucks, will last us our entire adult life and as we get older, and we get a little more belly on us, we just move that sucker down a little. Of course, for most men, the ol’ tummy keeps growing and as it grows, we keep movin’ the ol’ belt down some more. Finally, when our gut is bigger than a Black Diamond watermelon, that ol’ belt disappears. Out of site, out of mind, but it is still there, straining to hold up that additional belly.
We get to play with all sorts of toys all our lives and we only need one billfold for all seasons. We can always wear shorts no matter how our legs look or what shape they are in. We can do our nails with just a pocketknife and we have complete freedom of choice in growing a mustache or not. We can do our entire Christmas shopping for over twenty-five relatives in less than twenty-five minutes, on December the twenty-fourth.
Yes, my friends, men are indeed a happy bunch.
Now, hold on a minute! Before you gals make a deal with some Texas “hit man”, here me out. This was all done in fun. I love women! I don’t want to make any of you mad. I like short ones, tall ones, fat ones, skinny ones, loud ones, quiet ones, calm ones and nervous ones. Please forgive me. Give a jokester a break. Please. I’m begging. I know how y’all are when disturbed. I know, that just like an elephant, a woman never forgets. No, I did not say y’all are as big as elephants. Okay, back off now! I am stopping while I still can walk. I will change the locks on my doors.
"I am very proud, that I pray to and worship our Judea/Christian, God Almighty. I am very proud to be an American, who loves all his family and all his fellow patriots. I will defend the original Constitutional. I will defend the rights and lives of patriots to the best of my ability and, if time and resources permit will even defend other Americans, who may fail to believe as I do, but I will never defend a quran practicing muslim. They are my ENEMY!
Remember, be proud of, and promote, your beliefs! Be proud you're an American and promote that with pride! Be proud of your families and your fellow patriots and promote that with pride! And last, take some kind of real action and pray “everyday” for God to lead you correctly! Believe me.....this will lead to success.”” -- JOHN L SULAK
...and there you have some more opinions from me, Th' Dumb Ol' East Texas Boy. Take care out there, okay. IN GOD WE DO TRUST!
They only thing a man is good for is....I'm still thinking. They use to be a good providers, mechanics, plumbers, garbage men, landscapers, builders, and spiritual leaders of the family. Now most (not all) are pansies who drink beer and hire Jose to do what a good ol boy use to do all in one days work. Now the women have had to pick up the slack and care for the whole family and the whole house while the man merely brings home the paycheck...that is if the woman counts herself lucky. Heck most women have to work and do it all. I miss the old breed. Give me a man who will do all of the above and I'll gladly struggle with all you mention, plus send him to bed with a smile on his face.
ReplyDelete- Sugar, I like your style! I must agree with you, that most men today are pansies! I am old school and still do old school stuff. Oh, and guess what, after 38 years, my wife still sends me to bed with a smile..........occasionally.
ReplyDeleteMay I add: men can plan anything they want at any old time they want, while never giving a thought as to what they will do with the kids. They can show up anywhere at anytime without three screaming toddlers hanging from their trousers. Their shirts are never wet from leaking nipples, nor stained from teething biscuits. They can have a fun and rowdy lunch with their buddies with nary a nervous thought of their child puking right dab nab in the middle of the table.
ReplyDeleteMen can talk on their cell phone without a single interruption from a baby yelling, "'ET ME TAWK! 'ET ME TAWK! 'ET ME TAWK!" Men won't lose their $300 cell phone while ransacking the diaper bag for a change of clothes while trying to keep the diarrhea from covering them as it has the baby, nor will they deal with a wife who, at the end of the day says, "What the hell do you mean you LOST your cell phone? How do you just lose your cell phone?!"
Men go to car washes to wash their vehicles. You will never see a man pull in to a car wash to hose down a car seat due to the aforementioned diarrhea issue while strapping the screaming baby in the front seat and all the while praying there is a God in heaven who will keep all police at bay until he can get home.
No, men likely never even pray there is a God in heaven.
Men can come home at the end of a day, kick off their shoes and grab the remote. Men don't know how supper appears, just that it does. Men think the kitchen cleaned itself, the kids bathed themselves, (even when they are infants) and that the answer to a child asking for help with his or her homework is, "Let him (her) figure it out."
Late in the evening when everything is just about done, men have a favorite line they will say, "Dang, woman, I could've helped out if you had just asked!" Men think women are dumb and do not understand the hidden meaning: "We are having sex tonight, right?"
Men climb into bed each night with visions of a hot woman soon climbing into bed with them. Men know the cries for a fresh sippee cup, the bedtime story, the assurance there are no monsters in the house will all be taken care of. Men lie in bed with wide-eyed grins of anticipation as the cries finally go quiet.
Men do not stay up two hours past bedtime in order to make lunches for the next day, empty the dryer, load the washer or scrape mud from a child's shoes. Men just lie in bed waiting, waiting, waiting. Men only think one thing: when will the hot woman appear? Men can even sneak winks while they wait, getting a little rest on the sly. (No need in wasting all that down time.)
A man will never crawl into bed at night and weep. He will never go beyond the point of complete exhaustion. A man is always able to walk away from it all and get rest when he needs it. A man will make sure his needs are met and he will watch as the woman of the house meets all his other needs and those of his children.
A man will wonder why his wife has "let herself go."
A woman has only one thing up on a man. She will live about 7-10 years longer than the man she married.
I figure this is to give her about 3,000 days (more or less) to say,
"Na-na-na-na-na."
Karen - do you have issues? LOL
ReplyDeleteOh, but I do have to say, as a REAL man, and after raising two daughters, who gave me seven grand babies, I have personally gone through many of the things you have mentioned. And yes, even the diarrhea part. They ain't all bad sugar.