HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE YOU HAD A NICE BIG OL' HUNK OF PORK? WELL, DOG GONE IT, THAT'S TOO LONG!

You see there was this ol’ boy named Billy B. and he wanted a hog, so he went to a farmer, he knew, name of Henry H. . . Now Billy said, "Henry, I need a hog and I want to buy yours." Now Henry, bein’ th’ ol’ "horse trader" he is, just kinda kicked th’ dirt around a bit without lookin’ up at Billy, and then he said, "Well son, I just got th’ one and he’s a good un. I sure do hate to part with him." Well Billy wanted that hog bad so he said, "Henry, you ain’t foolin’ me with that dirt shufflin’ and all. I’ll give ya $25 for that hog of yours." Henry, just for meanness, shuffled th’ dirt some more and told ol’ Billy, "I’ll take a hundred." Billy went absolutely crazy. He looked at Henry, then he looked this way, then that way and finally said, "Henry, you know you’re being too darn hon’ry, but here’s what I’ll do. I’ll give ya $50 cash money." Henry smiled and looked ol’ Billy right in th’ eye and said, "I’ll take a hundred." Of course Billy was beside himself by now. He desperately tried to get Henry to come down on price. He went to $60, then $70, then $75, then $80, and then $85. Each time ol’ Henry would smile, sometimes spit, sometimes sigh, but his answer was always th’ same, "I’ll take a hundred." Finally, in his last desperate attempt Billy said, "Henry! Now listen to me Henry and listen good. I’ll give you $90 for that beat up, lazy hog of yours, and that is my final offer. That’s it! Take it or leave it! I’m done!" Henry smiled, sighed, spit, and wiped his lips with his shirt sleeve, while shufflin’ his foot in th’ dirt and then stopped everything. He looked Billy right straight in his eyes and said, "I’ll take a hundred." Billy was worn out, so he bought th’ hog.

Henry told Billy that his boy was using his pick up truck and that he’d bring his hog by in the morning. The next day Henry drove to Billy’s place, just as promised. He slowly got out of the truck and walked up to Billy. He looked at Billy with a cumbersome face. Billy said, "Henry, what’s wrong? I don’t see my hog in th’ truck. Henry said, Billy I am awfully sorry, but that dang hog died last night. The vet said it was some kind of disease." Boy ol’ Billy was upset. I mean after all the horse tradin’ they did and him givin’ in, and all, man he was some upset. He said, "Henry, you know I want my money back? Henry agreed, but didn’t have it. You see, Henry had held out for that $100 because he needed that much seed for next year’s crop. He told Billy that he was so sorry, but didn’t know what to do. Billy just set there sulkin’ and thinkin’. Henry began to wonder about ol’ Billy ‘cause he wasn’t sayin’ nuthin’. Henry would say, "Billy. Hey Billy. You okay?" Billy just kept on sittin’ there thinkin’. And then, all of a sudden, Billy jumped up like he was hit by lightenin’ or somethin’!

"Henry", he said, "Bring me that dead hog." Henry thought that Billy had lost his mind or something. After all, he knew that a diseased hog wouldn’t be no good to eat. What would Henry want with this dead hog? So Henry asked him, "Billy, what you gonna do with a dead diseased hog?" Billy told him that he was gonna raffle him off. He’d go down to the print shop, in town, and have them print up a bunch of them lil’ tickets. He would sell each ticket for two dollars. He knew that there was almost a thousand folks on farms, ranches, and in town. Man, he was excited! Now Henry was a bit more skeptical. He said, "Hey Billy? Just how you gonna raffle a dead hog? You know you can’t do that." Billy replied, "Henry, I can sell that old dead hog if I don’t tell nobody he’s dead. Oh, and if you don’t neither. You owe me that much. So Billy went all over town puttin’ up pictures of his hog with a note underneath that stated:

Prime Hog Raffle!

Tickets only $2.00!

See Billy B.

Well, about a couple of months went by before ol’ Billy and Henry saw each other again. They passed each other in front of th’ hardware store. Henry turned around and said, "Billy, I gotta ask you whatever you did with that dang ol’ dead hog?" Billy laughed back, "Just like I told you I’d do, I raffled him off." Henry could not believe that Billy could’ve actually pulled off this stunt, so he inquired further, "How’d ya come out on this raffle idea of yours anyway?" Billy, with a smirkish grin said back to Henry, "Well, I sold 900 tickets, at two dollars a piece and cleared a smooth $1,798. You see, that ol’ dead hog you tried to pawn off on me was the best thing that could of happened. Henry said, "But wait just a minute! You mean nobody, out of all those folks complained?" Billy replied, "Why of course! The guy that won the danged ol’ hog wasn’t too happy, so I refunded him his two bucks and all was well. As he walked off, Billy said, "In fact, now that I know how many suckers this town has, I’m fixin’ to have another raffle. See ya Henry"

Now folks, imagine if you will, sounds like that fella that used to do the "Twilight Zone". Remember that old show. I used to watch it every week when I was a kid. Now, I still peek at re-runs now and again. Dang, my mind wonders sometimes. Anyway, imagine if you will, that ol’ Billy, mentioned above, was Hussein Obama and all the Congressional members. Now think of ol’ Henry as the greedy lil’ bankers, car companies, insurance companies, special interests, and anyone benefiting from the "bailout", I really mean HANDOUT, money. Now think of all them folks scammed by Billy’s phony raffle and think of them as you and me, the taxpayers. Put all of this together and you will have a pretty good picture of how the government’s "stimulus" (scamulus) bill really works. And, just like Billy, they don’t know when to quit! They gonna keep sellin’ them raffle tickets (bailouts) ‘til we’re all broke or………………until we finally, once and for always, STOP THEM! I mean, just how many useless "raffle" tickets are we gonna buy before we realize we are actually throwing our money away on scams?

These are all my opinions, but do they make just a lil’ bit of sense? Things might get tougher, but I’m pullin’ for you and I hope you’re pullin’ for me. Oh, I wanted to tell you that my idea for this article came from the Patriot Post under their Patriot Humor.