Now ol' Oscar Griffin was one of them kinda Virginia back woods fellas. He worked hard every single day, except Sunday, of course. I guess you might call him one of them "good ol' boys" that never owed nobody nothing and took care of his own. He didn't meddle much in other folks business. He practiced the "let sleepin' dogs lie" way of life. His wife, the only one he ever had for the last sixteen years, worshipped th' ground he walked on. His two boys did too. Yep, ol' Oscar wasn't no rich man, but he sure had a darn good life.
One day Oscar was lookin' out his window with a pair of binoculars. He did that quite often so he could keep an eye on what was going on around him. They lived in th' deep woods and he had a family so he figured that it was better to be safe than sorry. Anyway, Oscar spotted Virgil, his neighbor down th' way, and he just knew he had to call the Sheriff. He didn't much like th' Sheriff, but he knew that this was one call that he had to make. I mean, being th' good ol' boy that he was and all. Oscar picked up th' phone and dialed th' number. The lady on th' other end said, "Hello, Sheriff's Office. How can I help you?" Well Oscar kinda gulped and said, "Maam,do you know Virgil Cox that lives about twenty-three miles north of town?" She said, "I'm sorry, but I don't." Oscar, gettin' nervous said, "I think you can look him up in th' book. He lives on th' Old Mill Road just on the other side of Raymond Authry's place." She said, "I think the Sheriff can find it. What is the problem?" Oscar, with his mind tellin' him, "Here goes nuthin'!" said, "Well maam, Virgil hauled some big ol' hard oak logs down behind his shed and I saw him hollowin' the ends out and stuffin' 'em with these green plants. I don't know for certain, but I think it might be some of that, uh, Mari, uh, Mawee, uh,....", and th' lady interrupted and almost screamed, "Marijuana?", and Oscar said, "Yeah, that's it! That's what they call it."
Well, one thing lead to another, and th' Sheriff and all his boys ended up out behind Virgil Cox's shed. Th' Sheriff bellowed out to Virgil, "Virgil, what you gonna do with them logs you got here?" Virgil snapped back, "What I'm gonna do with MY logs is MY business and being that I cut 'em on my debt free land, well, I don't see how they're any of YOUR business." The Sheriff turned just as bright red as the bandanna Virgil had around his neck and he glared at Virgil and shouted, "Well Virgil, we gonna see if it's my business or not. Now Virgil, you just go on and step back outta th' way." Boy, Virgil was mad. He told the Sheriff, "You have no right here on my own place!" And the Sheriff snapped back, "Well, if you're hidin' Marijuana in them logs, I got every right in th' whole dang world. Now shut up Virgil!" The Sheriff told his boys, "Get to workin' on them logs and don't stop until everyone of 'em is split down th' middle and then quartered." He had Eugene Parks pull out his revolver and guard Virgil until this was done. Virgil just gave up and stood there quietly while they butchered up them logs.
It was after sundown when th' Sheriff and his boys finished th' last log. They didn't find nuthin'. Not even a sprig of that "weed". The Sheriff was fumin' and he harassed Virgil a little while longer askin' him what he done with th' "weed". Virgil just grinned up at him and said, "Sheriff, you done told me it was YOUR business, why you askin' me? I don't know nuthin. Nope, nuthin' at all." The Sheriff loaded up his soakin' wet boys, peeled-out in Virgil's front drive, and flew back to town. Virgil just politely waved at 'em as they disappeared in th' dark.
The next morning, bright and early Virgil got an unexpected call. It was Oscar Griffin. They exchanged pleasantries and then Oscar said, "Hey Virgil, 'fore I forget, you know all them big ol' hard oak logs you had behind your shed that your were gonna use for barbaquin''? Virgil said, "Yeah. What about 'em?" Oscar said, "Well, did th' Sheriff and all his boys come down there yesterday and split all them logs up for you?" Virgil said, "Well yes, yes they did as a matter of fact and I'm glad they did 'cause I was gonna have to do all that work myself. They didn't know it, but they did me a big ol' favor. Why do you ask?" Oscar, with laughter in his voice replied back, "Well Virgil, me and you been pretty good friends for a long, long time and I knew your birthday was comin' up and I couldn't think of a more fittin' present than to get all them logs cut up for you. You see, all I had to do is place a call to the Sheriff's phone lady and report your Marijuana smugglin' to that mean ol' Sheriff and I knew he'd take care of th' rest. I just sorta let nature take it's course. Well anyway, happy birthday to ya Virgil and I'll be expectin' some of that barbaque from ya." Virgil just laughed and said, "Oscar Griffin! You can have a whole dang hind quarter, if ya want to and I thank ya kindly for what you done.. Now come on down here and have a cool drink with me.
Yeah, I guess ol' Janeane Garofalo would term Oscar and Virgil, REDNECKS and she'd be right too. She would not know why she was right, but she'd be right. Like most PC's she's got her mouth yappin' all th' time, but it ain't much substance comin' out. Just air! Now, if she and all her buddies would study history, just a little, before they open up their "traps" then they would see that the term "Redneck" is a very honorable term. You see, back in 1921 about five thousand men who were fed up with the corrupt mine owners of Southern Virginia, marched across Lens Creek Mountain near Blair Mountain. There was a bloody fight and many arrests were made. There was 1217 men charged, among which were 325 for murder and 24 for treason. There was a huge trial and only two of the men were charged with murder and later pardoned. The miners had won.
So what does all of this have to do with "Rednecks"? Well, you see Ms. Garofalo, these men were virtually all immigrants from Scotland and they wore red bandannas when they worked to wipe their dirty and sweaty faces. Thus the term "Redneck" originated. So when you open your "trap" and spout out words like "Redneck" in a degrading way, well, you need to know what you're talkin' about, darlin'! In fact, you and your PC buddies could be termed "Pamperednecks" 'cause all y'all do is set around on your duffs, have your "special people" wait on you hand and foot and hope, just hope, that someone, anyone, anywhere, would take, what you say seriously, but they won't! Why? Cause you are a part of SHOW BIZ and SHOW BIZ folks love to put people "on" and draw attention to themselves. Hello, can you say, "ACTING?" Yes, folks like you, my dear, are the ultimate in this area! Why? Cause you are a "has been" and you are desperately graspin at straws. And I'm outta here!
TH' DUMB OL' EAST TEXAS BOY'S opinions.